Participant moves
From AFSWiki
While you will most likely be working with other volunteers in your area by the time a host family move is even considered, you will continue to be a key person in the process as you will in most cases be the person with the closest relationship to the student and the host family and the person with the best understanding of how the situation has developed, at least from an outside perspective. The following information is meant to give you an overall idea of the approach AFS takes to host family moves.
Despite all the care that the AFS volunteer places in initially selecting a particular student for a family, a certain percentage of AFS placements typically results in a family change. At best, a family change is awkward and uncomfortable for a family and student; at worst, it is exceedingly painful. When a change is handled well, with respect and consideration for everyone, negative feelings can be reversed in a short time.
When appropriate support and interventions do not bring noticeable improvement in the family-student situation, a family change must be considered. It is done only when thorough consideration demonstrates no other option is available, and when it becomes necessary , must be handled with great care.
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Family changes occur when...
- Other options and interventions have been exhausted
- A family change may begin to be considered only after the liaison and possibly other volunteers have spoken to both the hosted student and the host family separately and have attempted joint conversations with the student and host family together in an effort to clarify the issues and seek possible solutions. Often times it is a good idea to have the student stay with an experienced volunteer for a few days. This gives the student a chance to get away and reflect on the issues she or he has with the host family. It gives the volunteer a chance to observe the student in a neutral setting and perhaps gain further insight into the student's behavior or feelings, it also gives the host family a chance to be together as a family without the student and may help them gain some needed perspective as well.
- Strategies for resolving difficulties are not having the desired effect
- When having discussions with both the student and the host family, it is important that all parties agree to take concrete steps towards solving their problems. It is also important for all parties to come back together afterwards to assess progress and decide if the steps they have agreed to take are working. When it seems that none of the strategies attempted are solving the issues, it may be time to consider a family change.
- There is no longer room for growth and development in the relationship
- It is more constructive for the family to resume the routine they had prior to the student's arrival and for the student to have a fresh start in new surroundings
Warning Signs
The need for a family change usually develops over time, often without being verbalized. Look for these warning signs:
- The family is consistently critical or generally disappointed in the student, beyond the usual "ups and downs".
- The family, after urging and guidance, is unable to talk openly with the student, or vice versa.
- Negative remarks occur frequently and/or negative body language is evident on either or both sides.
- Either side avoids the other.
- The student's attitude, behavior, or appearance are described very differently by the host family than they appear to others outside the home.
Fear and resistance are natural reactions to the prospect of a family change, and both the AFS student and host family may distort the facts to make the situation appear better than it is. In determining whether a change of family is necessary, volunteers cannot always rely exclusively on either the family's or the student's view of what is needed.
Reasons a student may resist a family change
- S/he may feel gratitude toward the family and be hesitant to do anything that might hurt them. The liaison can help a student see that if the situation is exceedingly difficult, it is no kindness to the family or him or herself to go on with it. A relationship cannot be built with a family on gratitude alone, any more than the family can build one with a student solely on pity or sympathy.
- S/he may be afraid of the unknown. The liaison can point out that a second adjustment may not be as difficult because s/he has learned a lot about him or herself and others. The chapter or local committee will look for a situation that is right for him or her; there are other families with whom s/he can be comfortable and to whom s/he has much to give.
- S/he may fear gossip about the move. Everyone fears "gossip" but with appropriate handling there will be very little. A simple matter-of -fact comment to those who ask is more than sufficient.
- S/he may be afraid that his parents at home will think s/he has misbehaved. The student can be assured by the liaison that the AFS office in his or her own country reassures his or her parents that a change of family is often times a natural occurrence through no fault of anyone, and that they need not worry.
Reasons a host family may resist a family change
- They may feel reluctant to upset the hosting arrangement or feel a move may hurt the student's experience. The liaison can suggest that it would better meet both their needs if the student lived in a situation where s/he was enjoyed-that ultimately it is kinder to recognize and admit that things did not work out than to persist in a mutually unsatisfactory situation.
- The parents and host siblings may feel embarrassed in the school and community. They can be assured by the liaison that the family change will be made quietly, that few people need to know, and that a simple explanation is all that is needed for those who may inquire. It can be stated that people forget quickly, particularly if the family itself appears to take the move in stride.
- The host parents may think that a move will reflect a lack of flexibility or generosity on their part. Here again, the liaison can point out that they will be showing greater flexibility and kindness in recognizing the difficulties and giving the student a chance in another situation. It cannot be stressed too often that our program's objectives are not to assign blame or fault.
- The family may feel that the difficulties presented by their student are a challenge which they as a family should assume for their mental or spiritual growth. While their motives may be admirable, an AFS student may feel patronized. It also might convey the message that the family feels the student is difficult "no matter what," when in another situation s/he might be more readily accepted for who s/he is, and not thought of as difficult at all. Working through difficulties is part of the intercultural learning process; however, viewing a student as a "family challenge" to be met and conquered is most often not a mutually beneficial relationship.
Handling a family change
Keep key people informed
Make the necessary arrangements. If a family change is likely, you should contact the Team Support Coordinator, who will then pass the information along to AFS staff.
Help everyone accept the decision
Once the decision has been made to move the student, you can help everyone though the process by stressing to all parties that no one is to blame and praise those involved for all they have done to try to make the situation work. You can help the family and student understand that, after the strain of the move, they may be friends again. No matter how difficult the move seems at the time, there will be relief after it has been made. By offering support and a willing ear, you can be instrumental in helping to alleviate residual feelings of anger and guilt.
Moving the student
Generally once the decision has been made for a student to move, AFS believes it is best to try and arrange for the student to move as soon as possible to avoid more awkwardness and discomfort between the student and host family. In the interest of handling a move discreetly and giving the student a "break" between host families, a permanent second home is usually not yet selected at this time. In this case, the student will be placed with an temporary family, his aunt and uncle family, or with another AFS volunteer. This temporary home can give the student a chance to regain some feeling of security. It also gives the support volunteers some time to get an accurate picture of the student's needs in a new environment.
Support After the Move
Frequent communication should be maintained with the student until s/he has adjusted to the new home. S/he may need some help in restoring confidence and reflecting on the experience to date.
Above all, communication should be maintained with the first family to provide them a chance to share their thoughts and to give them reassurance about their relationship as a representative of AFS. Often families can still be involved in the local AFS organization and activities.
