Common concerns from host families
From AFSWiki
Contents |
List of Common Concerns
Student-Family Interaction
Student spends too much time using the computer
Details
Most hosted students are very computer savvy. Often they are accustomed to using the computer more than their host families, and with the advent of social networking software such as MySpace, Facebook, IM, and even the venerable email, the computer can be a double problem for a host student. They may be:
1) not sufficiently immersing themselves into the USA and their local environment by communicating with friends and family from the country of origin, and
2) they may not be spending enough time interacting with their host families.
Resolution
Computer usage should be addressed at the Arrival orientation.
More extensive information presented at: student communication with country of origin
Student attitude is negative or cold
Details
Possible cases include:
- The host family may misinterpret shyness or homesickness as a negative or cold attitude.
- All families have rules/norms that they themselves do not know they have until someone comes and breaks them. This may be another misinterpretation as a negative or cold attitude.
- Example: The host family has the tradition of going on walks together, but the student takes the liberty of staying at home. The student in this case might not have understood the importance of the family walks, while the family understands this as a negative attitude.
- The student does not respect the rules of the host family, such as curfew, chores.
- The student does not want to participate in religious functions with the host family.
Resolution
- Before assuming that the student's attitude is negative or cold, the family should be encouraged to tell the student that they care about them and ask the student about the student's behavior. Yes, in some cultures such directness is considered rude, however this method can save time and avoid hurt feelings.
- The host family should be encouraged to understand that every individual family has its own culture. Before the student arrives the family might discuss or make a list of ways in which their family is different from other families they know, and these can be discussed with the student upon arrival or whenever the student commits a faux pas.
- The student should be encouraged to participate in at least a few religious functions with the host family to learn more about the culture, however the student should not be forced to partake in religious activities if they so choose.
Host family feels that the student does not appreciate them.
Details
Possible cases include:
- Some exchange students will place a higher value on friends than on the host family. Though some families may be perfectly fine with that, others will argue that this behavior makes them feel like a "hotel".
- The student does not appreciate the host family's cooking or lunches made for school.
- Example: Student gives away food to other students, or brings leftovers home.
Resolution
- The importance of the host family should be addressed at Welcome Orientation. Host families contribute a lot by opening their homes to someone new. The student must understand that an exchange goes on within the host family - in exchange for room and board, the student should provide company.
- If the family finds that the student does not appreciate their food, there may be deeper reasons on the part of the student. The host family should be encouraged to discuss this openly with the student before assuming that the student does not appreciate them. If the student is a picky eater, perhaps a compromise can be reached.
Student and host sibling(s) not getting along
Details
Possible cases include:
- Perception of not being treated equally by host parents, host sibling(s), or mutual friends
- For example, host parents may give the hosted student more flexibility on rules and chores. The hosted student may go out of their way to please the family thus consciously or unconsciously making the host sibling look bad in the eyes of the host parents.
- Invasion/lack of privacy
- Especially when the host sibling shares a bedroom with the hosted student. Some host siblings have also felt awkward about being photographed or videotaped too much.
- Lack of communication (for example, due to shyness or exclusion)
- Apathy toward the host sibling on the part of the hosted student
- Differences in character/values/activities which make it difficult for the student and host sibling to relate to each other
- Age difference or too close in age
Resolution
- Host siblings and students should be encouraged to find common ground. This may include trying something new together or taking an interest in each others' interests.
- Open and direct communication is encouraged.
- Some students do not wish to be placed with younger siblings and are disappointed if this happens. It should be acknowledged that the younger siblings are the ones who are easiest to speak the language with, since they are learning the language as well and can be less intimidating in their corrections. There are other benefits to having younger host siblings.
- Student and host sibling(s) should be encouraged to some spend time together periodically without other friends and family.
The student smokes, but host family does not.
Details
Host families should know before they decide to host a student whether that student smokes or not. However, sometimes students will state in the paperwork that s/he does not smoke for various reasons including cultural norms or s/he may start smoking after the paperwork is completed. The host family might be unpleasantly surprised about the student's smoking, and this may cause conflict.
Resolution
In most cases, a nonsmoking family will allow the student to smoke outside. In some cases however, the family might still refuse to allow smoking, because they don't want their children to be influenced, they can't stand the smell, a loved on passed away from lung cancer, or because of other reasons. Rules should be communicated, discussed and followed. Discussion is important in preventing this issue from contributing to the "Snowball Effect" (see below).
Relationships
Details
Possible cases include:
- The student does not spend enough time with the host family
- The student is involved in a romantic relationship with a host sibling.
- The student is in a homosexual relationship and the host family is strongly against homosexuality.
- The student has sex in the host family's house. - It must be addressed that some students will consent to sexual intercourse in the host family's home. If the host family finds out, it can be one of the most infuriating issues a host family might come to face. The host family will feel disrespected and that the student betrayed their trust. The student-host family relationship in this case can be very difficult, if not impossible, to repair.
Resolution
- Importance of the host family should be made clear to the host student, if the student is not spending enough time with the family. Student's absence may also be due to other underlying reasons and the boyfriend/girlfriend is used as an excuse. The family should discuss this concern with the student.
- If the family finds out that the student is involved in a romantic relationship with a host sibling, this may be enough reason for a replacement host family. The host sibling and student no longer have a 'family' relationship, and therefore the relations between the student and the rest of the family can become uneasy. AFS does not encourage this type of relationship, however some host families do not mind relationships between host sibling and student. In any case, the rules of the host parents carry the most weight.
School
Student not exerting enough effort towards homework or school in general
Details
The host family might feel that the student sees the AFS program as a good opportunity to party. This issue might arise especially among families who host students who have already graduated from high school back home.
Resolution
The student-family liaison or school representative should ask the school for more information about the student's absences, and if possible, even talk to the teachers. The student should be reminded that AFS is an academic program, and there is the possibility that the student will be sent home if this problem persists.
A report card with a lot of unexcused absences
Details
Seeing this is an obvious red flag for host families. Students might claim that there was an error in the system or that they didn't hear the teacher call their name.
Resolution
The student-family liaison or school representative should ask the school for more information about the student's absences, and if possible, even talk to the teachers. The student should be reminded that AFS is an academic program, and there is the possibility that the student will be sent home if this problem persists.
Language
Details
Student does not seem to be improving their language skills.
Resolution
Tips for Acquiring the Language
Money
Details
Possible concerns include:
- Who pays for what?
- Do we give the student an allowance?
- The student seems to be having financial problems from back home.
- The student spends money in excess.
Resolution
Holidays and Birthdays
Details
Possible concerns include:
- What presents should we get for the student?
- Are there any presents which the student might find offensive or inadequate?
- How much money should we spend on presents for the student?
Resolution
- The host family might want to take the portability of the present into account. Heavy cookbooks are nice...but heavy.
- See Gift Ideas
Student's Health
Details
Resolution
Traveling
Details
Resolution
Snowball Effect
If concerns between the host family and student are not well communicated, thoroughly discussed or are left unresolved, small problems can come together to form a major disconnection between the student and host family. It is therefore important to address even those concerns which seem to threaten the student-host family relationship the very least.
See Also
